Fighting the want to be social.

I realize that is a strange title for a blog post. This post will likely be a huge jumbled mess, so I ask for your patience. I’m trying to explain why I am the way I am.

I have in the past called myself an introvert, but there are times I don’t think that title fits me. People say I talk too much. I tend to babble. In many ways, the title of introvert does fit. I like having a quiet house. I have a couple of “close” friends. A book in a quiet place is great, but most of all, it is exhausting to be social face to face. Yes, I’m making the face to face distinction for a reason.

Being social face to face is extremely exhausting for me. I’m trying to pay attention to everyone. I’m trying not to be too weird. I’m trying to fight all of the stimulation that is going on as I am easily over stimulated. Going to a restaurant, a concert, a crowded beach, the amusement park, the bar… all of those things can be lots of fun, but they also have lots of outside stimulation. I try to focus on who I am with, but mentally I’m being pulled in so many areas and that wears me out mentally really fast. I then have to fight being short and cranky to be present in the moment.  I fight social anxiety every day of my life.

http://slaplaughter.danoah.com/33-memes-for-every-introvert/
http://slaplaughter.danoah.com/33-memes-for-every-introvert/

Now, just because it is hard for me, doesn’t mean I will always say no. I want to be invited to do the thing. This is very important to remember. I can’t stress this enough. I want to be invited to do the thing so I know that I’m important enough to be considered a friend, or someone worth having around. My company is valued. Just please keep in mind that having the energy to socialize is super difficult, so if I do go to do the thing, know that I’m trying.

Now, I did mention above that I made the distinction of face to face interaction. This is where I believe my weight has greatly affected my ability to be social. While online, I can open up and be weird, strange, and talkative. I know that part of it is that I don’t have to see the looks on peoples faces when they see me. I don’t have to see the judgement of my weight; I don’t have to see the cringes or judgement on their faces when I say something a bit awkward.

Should any of that matter? No. People whether in person or online, should accept people for who they are no matter what. That isn’t the way the world works, and the fact is that I have experienced so many snide comments about my weight for so long, it has made it so I don’t want to go out in public. Hiding behind the computer screen is much easier for me.

So that is my long winded, complicated way of saying… being social is super hard for me. Now that I’ve lost weight and feel better about myself as a whole, I want to be social, but it is just so hard to do so.

My Weighty Story: 4 months and counting

So it has been 4 months.

4 months since I changed my life forever. Let me tell you, it is harder than I thought it would be (and that is saying something folks). It’s not just the physical, but also the mental. Do I regret it?

HELL NO!

Food continues to be a challenge. I’m trying to find more interesting things to eat, but it’s boring, and then when it’s not, the scale slows. It is a really hard balance and I fight it each and every day. This doesn’t even get into the issue of grieving for food. Cheeseburgers were my all time favorite pre-surgery. I get sad at the fact I can’t just stuff a huge cheeseburger in my mouth and moan in the ecstasy of fat, grease, cheese, beef, onion rings, and bread. Yes, the “Don’t bother me I’m eating” commercials of Carl’s Jr. come to mind.

However, I can’t stress enough how much of a difference getting my protein in for the day makes me feel. I’ve really been working very hard at making sure I hit that 60+ grams of protein in day. I feel the difference at the end of the day when I don’t and the next morning is much harder to get moving.

The hair loss struggle is real. My husband says it isn’t as bad as I think it is, but he isn’t the one brushing his hair and seeing huge amounts in the brush, or washing it in the shower and massive strings being tangled up in his fingers. I won’t even lie that have cried about this a few times. There just really isn’t much we can do about it though. I stand by my belief that I will be bald for a year if it means getting healthy. Few more months, and it will grow back. It’s only hair. There are bigger things going on here.

The good news is that scale is moving (again) after a long stall. I think that is due to resetting what I was eating, and upping my exercise. I’m swimming now on top of the walking / running that I’ve been doing. To be fair, it’s more walking that running as it really has been aggravating my back.

I know there is a lot of bitching so let me tell you some things that are all positives:

  1. The scale did start moving again.
  2. I do not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. (There is a total disconnect between who I feel I am and who looks back at me in the mirror.)
  3. I can buy clothes in the regular part of the store. ( THIS IS HUGE YA’LL)
  4. My Dr. said I am no longer MORBIDLY OBESE! Again. This is HUGE.
  5. I am seeing changes in my body. Yes. This includes loose skin, which I didn’t think would bother me so much. It just feels weird, like a sweater I can’t take off that is way too big.
  6. I can just do more. I had a real hectic couple weeks at work, which included overtime, plus I was still getting up extra early to work out every day, and a year ago, I would not have been able to do that. I just have more energy.
  7. I can walk farther without having to stop to catch my breath, or just feel tired. This ties into #6, but it’s such a huge milestone that I have to mention it.
  8. Tying into #6 and #7, I was able to vacuum the house and I didn’t fall apart. Yea, this needs explanation. I have problems with my back and vacuuming the house would set it off in the worst way. A couple years ago, I vacuumed and my back went out so bad I spent 2 days with my head in a trashcan and a family debating whether they should take me to the ER. In hindsight, maybe they should have but not the point. Since then I haven’t been doing things like vacuuming the house to prevent that very thing. IT seems silly, I know, but from a health standpoint, it’s a pretty bid deal.
  9. I bought a PRETTY BRA. Yes. This gets added to the list because when you are fat, you get support. It’s all about support vs the fashion, because well SUPPORT.
  10. I see actual, real, muscles developing.

The other day a friend and I went to Kohls to get me some new bras, because weight loss = smaller boobs. Fact of life.  While we were there, we were looking through the clearance clothes, and I found a shirt that I really liked but it was too big. My friend started crying and freaking out over how I said that it was too big and I just looked at her like she was crazy. I couldn’t figure it out until it hit me.

We were standing in the NORMAL clothes section, and I just said that something was TOO BIG!

TOO BIG! Yes. We squealed and laughed and cried, and my daughter heard us from across the store.

I have officially gone from a 24/26 pant since my highest ( 22 at surgery) to a 14/16 and a 3X shirt to a comfortable XL. 4 months after surgery.

Case and Point:

I had a huge moment last week when I realized just how far I have come. I stared at the below and couldn’t even reconsile myself to that person. I have heard of people doing this, but this picture was taken during a time when I was not weighing myself. I was also super unhappy and there were a lot of things going on in my life at the time, and I coped with it by literally eating my feelings. I am sure that I was over 300 at this point, but I don’t know for sure. My highest recorded weight was 289, but I had been working on working out a little, by that point.

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This is today.

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You have to put the work in. You have to know this is a huge change in how life is.

It is worth every ounce of pain, sweat and tears.

*raises glass of water* Cheers!

My Weighty Story: Week 7 and Food is Hard

Just what the title says.

FOOD.      IS.      HARD.

Last week at my 6 week appointment I was released for full foods and exercise. Which of course followed my camping trip, unfortunately means between fighting food while camping and being released for full foods, something triggered in my brain this week and I ate .. well, HORRIBLY! I’m not even going to weigh myself this week for fear of crying. Just time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move forward.

One positive thing I started doing is jogging. I have never been ABLE to jog before so being able to jog to stay warm while camping made me realize that I might be able to as a real form of exercise. So last week I did some light jogging just around my complex to see if this was going to be something I could legit work on right now. With a history of bad knees I don’t to injure myself and set me back. I’ve done all this to better myself. I did fairly well, so over the weekend I jogged during our dog walks, and Sunday I even went out without the dogs (who want to stop at each and every smell along the way) and did .66 miles!

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The only walking I did was to cross the street in a very steep section. All the rest I did! It’s not even flat area either. I go down hill then come back uphill. I may be slower than a turtle running through peanut butter, but I ran!  YAY ME!

So Week 8 Goals:

  1. Be on point with my food
  2. Continue to run each day before / after work. Oh I ain’t gonna lie and tell you my legs are hurting, because they are, but it’s that weird hurt that feels good because you know that you’ve done something new and productive.

I also did something drastic this weekend. When I took a shower on Saturday I pulled so much hair out that I just rage quit on it. I just screamed, “FINE IF YOU WANT TO FALL OUT! I’LL CHOP YOU ALL OFF!”  So that’s what I did.

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Hair Gone!  It’s a bit scary because I’ve never had my hair this short before. I’m not used to it, but my hair does look healthier and fuller. It’s so fine and thin that if I didn’t think my husband would divorce me, I may have seriously considered a pixie / super short cut with shaved sides. To be fair, I’m not sure I could pull it off if I did go that route. So this is as short as I go, and like I said it does look much healthier than it did before.

Last week some time I also set up some side by side comparisons. I don’t see a huge difference, but I’ve felt it in my clothes, how I feel, and others have said how much of a difference they see.

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The left are just after surgery and the right are last week. There are differences, so I will take it.

So there is my strange week 7. It is what it is. Not every week is going to be perfect.

Week 8 will be better!

 

My Weighty Story: Week 6 and More Changes

Week 6 was one where I noticed how much more I was able to do. See we went on our yearly camping trip and it was cold. Okay, so not winter, blizzards, -100 without the wind chill cold. Cold for us Central Coasters. Which means that it was consistently in the low to mid 50’s. The biggest problem wasn’t that it was in the 50’s it was that there was a ice cold wind that kept whipping through and just made staying warm, well not real easy.

My solution to staying warm? Walking, even jogging around the campsite. Yes, me! I was jogging! I haven’t jogged in decades. My husband kept looking at me and shaking his head. He couldn’t believe just how much more energy I had this trip overall.

Regardless of the weather, it was beautiful. It’s such a beautiful place and camping right on the Big Sur River is just something that I won’t pass up all too often.

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On top of finding out I can jog and not die a horrible death, look at what else I was able to do!

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I know right! When was the last time that you were able to cross your legs? I’m not sure when it was for me. Well at least comfortably, and not constantly readjust.

One thing that was difficult. Food. I had packed protein shakes, P3 protein packs, string cheese, apple sauce, lunch meats, cheese, all of which have been staples for me in this soft food stage. That being said, it was really hard not really having control over meals. When we cook at home, we use the low fat versions of things, or the lower calorie versions, but not everyone who was there was doing that so much of the food being served was full fat / calorie. Not to mention that I felt like I was being rude if I didn’t serve what was cooked (and yes, I had to do that a couple of times). My in laws had made french toast because they knew how much I like it, but they just didn’t know I can’t have it anymore. To make it worse, it smelled AMAZING, so I walked away with my protein drink and went for a walk to get away from the smell of it.

Snacks were difficult too. The more I’ve thought about it, it may have been because of camping habits. We would always buy an ice cream and sit with our feet in the river eating it, or eat chips with our sandwiches (both of which I can’t have yet).  That being said, bread doesn’t sound that good most of the time anymore, but it was really difficult when the donuts and the french toast sticks came out one morning with the coffee.

My will power got the biggest workout in a long time. I didn’t do perfect, and I failed at some points. I tried to walk off the cravings as much as possible over the weekend. Which between that and the “adventures” we went on brought me to some 12K steps a day days.

The other thing about week six… on the day we came back from camping I had my 6 week follow up with the surgeon. I met with the nutritionist first and she gave me some tips on how I can cut some of the fat from my diet. For the soft food stage cheese has been a bit of a staple. She said that if I cut back on the cheese that my daily fat should come down. If my protein is still a bit low at the end of the day, she suggested that I should have a protein shake. So I’ll be working on that.

I was pretty bummed out when it came to the scale though. When I weighed last week I was at 208.6, however when I weighed at the dr’s office I was back up to 214. So I’ve been a bit upset about that. Okay, I’m really upset about it.

I’m trying to keep the momentum of high step days, and getting my food on track. It’s hard though.

So very hard.

 

Writing, Wall-E Tails and My Weighty Story: When Life shows you the break peddle.

Hello everyone. I know I’ve been MAJORLY MIA lately. I want to apologize.

My back blew in massive proportions and I have been OUT since. I’ve returned to work this week, but by the time I get home, I am hurting, so I take the heavier medications they gave me for my back, and well then I’m unable to really do much else. I went to the doctor and they are referring me to a pain specialist. The good news is that they do NOT believe that its spinal and that it’s muscular. They have a couple of ideas of what is the cause, but they want the specialist to take a look at it to determine for sure.

The only bit of good news is that I have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING IT THE WAY I DID HOWEVER. DO NOT DO IT THE SAME WAY! ABORT! ABORT! To feel the instant difference in my clothes though was kind of amazing. However, since I’m having to be easy on the stomach in this process, I’m just going to keep with the easy foods and the healthy run.

Run… /lesigh. I did get signed up for Wharf to Wharf this year with my family, but depending on what happens with the specialist with my back, I may not be able to train or walk the event this year. I’m really worried about it. Now I do have until the end of July to get ready, but so much of it will depend on what happens. I’ll keep you updated as I find out.

MAN I really miss this community, and I hope to fully return once I know more.

With much love.

❤ Kim

Yup… Blog Changes

Time is an issue:

I am still alive and kicking.

I am still writing and editing. I’ve even gotten a couple of short stories down in rough draft form.

I’m reading too. One book that I highly recommend is:

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It’s part of a much larger series (Dark-Hunter), dark, twisted, and well… wonderful! It’s not for young audiences, but I highly suggest the read.

I am now working a full 8 hour day (where I was only working 6).

I’ve also really upped my workout schedule. One of my new co-workers is a very dedicated runner and since I’ve signed up for …

W2W

again, I need to get ready. I want to best my time from last year, and hopefully I’ll be able to smash it into a bunch of little pieces. I’m doing alright, but I have a long way to go. The program he gave me is intense, and aggressive, but I’m doing it, and since I have a few extra weeks, I can stretch it out a little bit. I’m still concerned about overheating as I don’t “cool down” (read sweat like a pig ) like normal people do, so I’m open to ideas on how I can help combat that. Oh! and I just got some new amazing shoes.

( Newton – Aha )

 

These are amazing! They are so comfortable, and I can feel a difference in my form already! Totally worth the money. Every single penny. If you are a runner, or want to get into running, try these shoes out. (No Newton isn’t paying me for my opinion.)

oh… and I’ve started the process for obtaining my Salespersons license. It’s related to my new job, and basically it entails taking 3 classes and a state mandated exam. I want to finish the classes within 3 months and get scheduled for the exam in July. Basically that means I’m having to do lots of studying and obviously that takes a lot of time.

So yes. Time is an issue.

So down to it… blog changes

I will have to cut my blog down to just one post a week, instead of my historic three (well that is until recently). If I can do more, of course, I will, but at this time I can only commit to one post a week for now.

There will still be Wall-E Tails, Author updates, and My Weighty Story. They just won’t be a every week occurrence … for now. Maybe once my classes are done, I will be able to return to my original programing. I just can’t right now.

My love to everyone, and I will see you next week!

-Kim

My Weighty Story: FINALLY AN UPDATE!

Hello everyone.

This is going to be a really quick update.

I am LOVING my new job. I’m challenged, the people are amazing and get this … they are doing a “Biggest Loser” competition in the office! What an awesome way to stay motivated!

Well I’ve been here three weeks now … and guess what…

I’VE LOST A TOTAL OF 8 POUNDS!!!!

/ happy dance!

I’m walking during some of my lunches, and want to get to the point where I’m walking every lunch. Plus, this weekend I’ll be registering myself and the family for the Wharf to Wharf again this year. Very excited about that.

I have a goal of losing 20 pounds by my birthday, which is about the time the office biggest loser challenge finishes. I’m hoping for more, but 20 pounds I think is more than reasonable.

What are your current plans for getting the weight off for the summer?

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!