Fighting the want to be social.

I realize that is a strange title for a blog post. This post will likely be a huge jumbled mess, so I ask for your patience. I’m trying to explain why I am the way I am.

I have in the past called myself an introvert, but there are times I don’t think that title fits me. People say I talk too much. I tend to babble. In many ways, the title of introvert does fit. I like having a quiet house. I have a couple of “close” friends. A book in a quiet place is great, but most of all, it is exhausting to be social face to face. Yes, I’m making the face to face distinction for a reason.

Being social face to face is extremely exhausting for me. I’m trying to pay attention to everyone. I’m trying not to be too weird. I’m trying to fight all of the stimulation that is going on as I am easily over stimulated. Going to a restaurant, a concert, a crowded beach, the amusement park, the bar… all of those things can be lots of fun, but they also have lots of outside stimulation. I try to focus on who I am with, but mentally I’m being pulled in so many areas and that wears me out mentally really fast. I then have to fight being short and cranky to be present in the moment.  I fight social anxiety every day of my life.

http://slaplaughter.danoah.com/33-memes-for-every-introvert/
http://slaplaughter.danoah.com/33-memes-for-every-introvert/

Now, just because it is hard for me, doesn’t mean I will always say no. I want to be invited to do the thing. This is very important to remember. I can’t stress this enough. I want to be invited to do the thing so I know that I’m important enough to be considered a friend, or someone worth having around. My company is valued. Just please keep in mind that having the energy to socialize is super difficult, so if I do go to do the thing, know that I’m trying.

Now, I did mention above that I made the distinction of face to face interaction. This is where I believe my weight has greatly affected my ability to be social. While online, I can open up and be weird, strange, and talkative. I know that part of it is that I don’t have to see the looks on peoples faces when they see me. I don’t have to see the judgement of my weight; I don’t have to see the cringes or judgement on their faces when I say something a bit awkward.

Should any of that matter? No. People whether in person or online, should accept people for who they are no matter what. That isn’t the way the world works, and the fact is that I have experienced so many snide comments about my weight for so long, it has made it so I don’t want to go out in public. Hiding behind the computer screen is much easier for me.

So that is my long winded, complicated way of saying… being social is super hard for me. Now that I’ve lost weight and feel better about myself as a whole, I want to be social, but it is just so hard to do so.

Weighty Decisions and WHY I’ve made this choice

Grab a cup of coffee. This is a long post.

So, it has been a really really really long time since my last post.I know that, and I’m sorry. I just haven’t ……… Anyways.

If you know me or have been following me over the years you know that I have worked hard at losing weight for the majority of my life. You also know that I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight. I have always been that FAT friend. The one tolerated because there was one, maybe two people in all of the circle who actually liked me.

Over my life I have done  just about everything, save surgery. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Curves, Adkins, Low Carb, the military diet, Slim Fast, Special K, Doctor monitored Phenementrine (I am probably not spelling that correctly), Doctor monitored dieticians and nutritionist, Doctor monitored Wellbutrin, you name it, I have probably tried it, or something close to it. I’m the classic YO-YO. I would lose 20-30 pounds, then gain 30 or 40.

About 6 years ago, I looked at a picture I had of myself at Christmas and just cried.

Before

I was 289lbs, the highest I have ever been, and through blood sweat and tears was able to get down to about 220. Unfortunately, nothing I did made the scale move from there. I was at 220 for about 4 months, and I tried upping my exercise, cutting more calories, upping my calories, and a bunch of other stuff, but it wouldn’t move. So I gave up and have since gained a chunk of that back.

For the last couple years, I have had lots of problems with back spasms, which leave me unable to get comfortable and throwing up from the pain. On July 4th weekend 2015(16?), I had an episode that was so bad, that I spent 36 hours throwing up, passing out, throwing up bile, then not even bile anymore. It was so bad and scary that the husband and daughter units had seriously considered taking me to the emergency room. In hindsight, they probably should have.

Anyways, I started eating healthier and walking again. Then as I have done before, didn’t see the result, and my body just hurt all the time, with nothing to show for it. I stopped. My back continues to give me problems. It affects everything I do, and plan to do.

My back isn’t going to get any better at this weight, and while I don’t have diabetes or high blood pressure yet, they are going to happen if things don’t change. They both run on both sides of my family and if I stay on the road I’m currently on, they will also be added to this list. I have watched someone I love very much have some serious health problems over the last few years and is now at a point where they can’t hardly walk because their feet are so bad. I see that, look at myself, and realize that while it may not be my feet, it is my back and my knees, and if this is not corrected now, then I’m not going to be able to help take care of that person when they need it, or my husband, who is 13 years my senior. (In the interest of full disclosure, the husband unit is in much better shape than I am. Not to mention, that if something doesn’t change he will greatly out live me.)

Not to mention that I’m not being an example of being healthy to my daughter. Yes, she is 17 and a senior in high school now, but SO NOT the point. I don’t want her to follow in my footsteps when it comes to health as it has historically been written. I want her to live a long, healthy, active life.

This isn’t healthy.

I am not healthy.

This isn’t okay.

I am not okay.

This has to stop.

I see the road ahead of me, and I don’t like what I see.

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

GETTING “OPERATION GET HEALTHY PROJECT” BACK IN EFFECT

Step 1: I talked to my doctor about everything. We talked seriously about options. I gave her the extensive list of things I have tried and failed out.

Which brings me to the weighty decision I have had to make.

My doctor, believes that I should seriously consider getting weight loss surgery (WLS). Other doctors have suggested this over the years, and up until December I was aggressively against it. In November another doctor had suggested it, and I just said I wasn’t ready yet. This time, when my doctor asked me to consider it, for the first time in my life, I didn’t recoil, I didn’t snear, and I didn’t think “Oh Hells No!”.

I thought… okay. Let’s discuss this. So we did. She went over the different types, and that we can always start the process and I can always decide not to move forward with it. She gave me a bunch of information and told me to do my research online, then send her a message to let her know if I wanted to talk to the bariatric department. She also stressed that surgery is NOT a quick fix. It is a last ditch tool to help you achieve a healthier life style. I would still need to put in the work, A LOT OF WORK. Finally, she gave me a referral to  a nutritionist, as that would be the first of many steps in this process, whether I decide to go through with surgery or not.

I did the research on WLS, and watched an untold amount of youtube videos from both doctors and patients who have had it. One thing I found super interesting is that all the good happy stories were right there, at your fingertips. I had to go SEARCHING for the complications, for the failures, etc., which I did read and think about.

Then there was the discussion with my daughter and husband to see what their thoughts were on it, and they were extremely supportive. They have both seen me struggle to lose weight, and how hard I did try with no success. While their reactions surprised me, they didn’t. They have always been supportive in whatever it takes to make me healthy. This is just such a DRASTIC decision, I didn’t think they would immediately jump on board for me to move forward with this process. They made sure to tell me that whatever my decision, they would support me fully. ( GODS I love those two. )

There are things that won’t change even with surgery. For instance, my thyroid issues. I have a thyroid that runs so slow, I walk by a doughnut shop and gain weight. Let alone walking in and consuming one. Another example, in a way is my dependency on food. We all depend on food to survive. It is a necessary evil in life.

What I would (and should ) change is my EMOTIONAL dependency. When I’m stressed, I eat. When I’m depressed, I eat. When I celebrate, I eat. When I’m bored, I eat. That would all have change, but I have to eat. I would just have to change how my dependency is ruled.

I met with the nutritionist on January 31st, and after discussing how I eat, my known pitfalls, my concerns, my history, my family health history, etc., she got me started on a diabetic diet at 1200 calories a day and no more than 10 carbs a day (its an exchange formula that you do to figure out how many carb points per # of grams of carbs in the item). I starved for the first 4-5 days. Sent her a message and she suggested I up my protein to help curb the hunger. I did and did much better, my body adjusted a little bit.  Upping how much protein I was consuming via protein shakes helped a lot.

On February 8, 2018, I went to the Bariatric orientation seminar in Fremont, which is where the closest Kaiser Bariatric Center is to me. At the time I went I was about 85% positive that this is what I wanted to do, but I knew I really needed to learn more directly from the doctors, surgeons, and people I would be working with over the next few years if I decided to go through with this.

So I showed up to Kaiser early… which may or may not have been a good thing. So I sat in my car and listened to a book until it was time to go in. Once I got checked in and waited in the waiting room, more people came in and I noticed something that surprised me a bit. I was one of the only people who didn’t bring someone with me for this. Most everyone who came for the orientation had a partner, friend, parent, whatever, with them for support. I think I was of maybe 3 who didn’t have a companion with me.

Anyways, they called my name, they started by taking my weight and giving me a “Binder” that I have to take to every appointment. It is more of a spiral bound notebook, but they call it the binder. It has everything in it we need pre-op. Info on each type of surgery, nutrition info, and a bunch of other things.

The doctor then gave a presentation on what types of surgery Kaiser Fremont will do (which is the RNY gastric bypass or the Sleeve). They don’t do the lap band as they have not had success with it in the past, and they have found that it often requires a second surgery because it doesn’t work, or there are complications with the band. They also don’t do the switch as it has a much higher risk of malnutrition later on. One of the interesting things I learned is that people with diabetes or the risk of diabetes may do much better on the RNY because since it bypasses the colon(?), insulin is regulated better, and some people have been able to get off of their diabetic meds completely.

He also went over loosely what Kaiser requires before they will schedule your surgery. This includes your consult with the surgeon, dietician, psychological evaluation, some weight loss and some various testing. Yes, they do make you lose some weight before hand. As the husband unit said, “See you can lose the weight. The problem is sustaining that kind of weight loss and keeping it off.” They want to make sure you can commit to the food changes that need to happen for your new life.

There was a bunch of other information that he went over, but one thing he kept stressing is…

MAJOR LIFESTYLE CHANGE FORCED UPON YOU

and

READ THE BINDER!

Because I had done so much research before hand, a lot of the information I knew. I did learn some other things that are more Kaiser specific though, and the Dietician presentation I thought was a good wake up call for a lot of people. Some of the comments that I heard from people really surprised me and made me realize that I don’t think they did any research on this before coming.

Am I just weird?

Am I necrotic about this?

Seriously, there were people saying…

“That’s all I’ll be able to eat?”

“What? I won’t be able to eat cake again?”

“What do you mean I have to eat my veggies after my protein?”

I was just shocked and floored with those comments. I mean.. what did you think this was? I freaking walk in the park option?

<deep breaths>

So…. rant over. Though I did learn a bit more, once the Dietician was done, they filtered us through so that we could make our next appointments. Again, I had done my research, so when they asked if I had a surgeon preference, I told them I did not because everything I found on all the surgeons was great. So I got my appointment  and then mulled everything over all the way home …. through 5:00 pm traffic in the Bay Area. Then I mulled it over a lot more. Then a lot more. Then lots of conversations with the family, and mulled it over some more.

My Weighty Decision

The pros and the cons have been weighed and I am going to have the surgery. I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know that this is just a TOOL to help me get the weight off. It is strict and at times it’s going to be brutal. This isn’t an easy decision, but yet it is for me. Medically, it is a no – brainer for me.

I already hear people saying well just eat like that now. You will still be able to “cheat” that way, you won’t have the possible side effects down the road. The problem with that… it allows me to fall back into old habits. This is the forceful hand that will NEVER let go. I will forever have to be mindful of how I eat. Let me say this plainly…

THIS. IS. NOT. THE. EASY. WAY. OUT.

If you have read some of my past posts about the weight loss, there are some about how I want to wear cute clothes, to be not looked at with shame in public, and lots of other vain things. Yes I talk about health and stuff, but this time it is so much more health focused.

I just can’t allow myself to become what I am becoming. I have to do this.

So, bring it on.

 

Getting Caught

“SallyAnn! Get ya ass in ‘ere!” She screamed.

“What ma? I was doin’ my homework.” SallyAnn said.

“Did ya tell Billy to feed the chicks instead of doing it ya self?”

“Nah. He said he wanted to do it ma.” SallyAnn said trying to sound sure of her self. She wasn’t about to tell her mother that she paid him to do her chores for her tonight so she could met up with Rickie at the football field after school.

“Das not what Billy said.” Her mom said putting her hands on her hips.

“Don’t know what to tell ya ma.” SallyAnn said, “Billy said he wanted to do it so I let him.”

“An’ I suppose he also wanted to feed da cows, do the evening milkin’, and shovel the murer in the horse stalls too?” She said disbelief.

SallyAnn nodded her head and tried not to fidget. Her Mom knew. She knew. SallyAnn had to fully commit to the story or there was no way she was gonna get out of this without a whoopin.

Ma just looked at her, hands on her hips. Then her mom threw her hands up in the air and said, “Just what kind of idiot do you think I am. Just ‘cuz you got more schoolin than I did, you think I’m an idiot?”

SallyAnn felt her stomach hit the floor and her mouth fully dry up.

“In the mornin’ you’re doing all of his chores along with yours.” SallyAnn opened her mouth to complain but her mother continued, “AND Billy dun get to keep the money you paid him.

“Ma! That’s not fair.” She said stomping he foot and crossing her arms in defiance. “I gots plans with MaryKay after school tomorrow.”

“Well if you get all the chores done you can go.” Her mom said smirking. She knew damn well that kid wasn’t getting them done.

SallyAnn knew there was nothing she could say to change her mom’s mind. She couldn’t fight and win. Her mom was just as stubborn as she was.

SallyAnn let every bit of defiance she could come to fruit, turned on her heal, and stomped off toward her room.

“Don’t you slam that door young lady!” Ma said just as SallyAnn did just that. She turned to her husband and sighed, “That kid is gonna be the death of me Earl.”

Earl just snickered and said, “She is your daughter.”

It is Impossible …

It was lunch time and as always, I walked to the park and  sat on the park bench beside the old redwood tree and river that ran through town. It was the same every day and  I had become a creature of habit. Andre was probably rolling in his grave at my predictability.

Today wasn’t much different as I sat down, unwrapped my turkey and avocado creation and took that first bit. It was then a voice behind me caught my attention. It was a voice that was so very familiar, but it couldn’t possibly below to him.

I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and face that disappointment, but what if it was?

“It couldn’t be.” I told myself. I moved here three years ago after the accident had taken his life.

The smoothness of that voice though… I could feel myself turning around, but then caught myself. No. It wasn’t possible. I saw the line go flat. I watched the doctors wheel him off after his body had gone ridged and cold.

Even now I could remember when we stood in the shadow of the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg as he whispered in my ear, “Snowflake, you can’t deny the artist vookmanship of the castle.”

“No, I can not. Though, it just isn’t my taste.” I said.

His words and heat still sent a shiver down my spine. I was so cold that winter, but having him  there with me … I sighed and returned to eating my sandwich.

A tall looming shadow fell across me, and said “You know mi zweet, you always were beautiful with your mouth full.”

I swallowed hard and was just about to spit some retort, but then my eyes met his and my heart stopped. I went completely numb. I just stared at the man before me.

Then he smiled in the way only I ever saw when we were alone.

“Andre?!” I said barely above a whisper.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

[This came from an in class exercise about writing the impossible with suggestions of an accent. The above has no basis in reality. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by myself.]

Yup… Blog Changes

Time is an issue:

I am still alive and kicking.

I am still writing and editing. I’ve even gotten a couple of short stories down in rough draft form.

I’m reading too. One book that I highly recommend is:

IMG_2226

It’s part of a much larger series (Dark-Hunter), dark, twisted, and well… wonderful! It’s not for young audiences, but I highly suggest the read.

I am now working a full 8 hour day (where I was only working 6).

I’ve also really upped my workout schedule. One of my new co-workers is a very dedicated runner and since I’ve signed up for …

W2W

again, I need to get ready. I want to best my time from last year, and hopefully I’ll be able to smash it into a bunch of little pieces. I’m doing alright, but I have a long way to go. The program he gave me is intense, and aggressive, but I’m doing it, and since I have a few extra weeks, I can stretch it out a little bit. I’m still concerned about overheating as I don’t “cool down” (read sweat like a pig ) like normal people do, so I’m open to ideas on how I can help combat that. Oh! and I just got some new amazing shoes.

( Newton – Aha )

 

These are amazing! They are so comfortable, and I can feel a difference in my form already! Totally worth the money. Every single penny. If you are a runner, or want to get into running, try these shoes out. (No Newton isn’t paying me for my opinion.)

oh… and I’ve started the process for obtaining my Salespersons license. It’s related to my new job, and basically it entails taking 3 classes and a state mandated exam. I want to finish the classes within 3 months and get scheduled for the exam in July. Basically that means I’m having to do lots of studying and obviously that takes a lot of time.

So yes. Time is an issue.

So down to it… blog changes

I will have to cut my blog down to just one post a week, instead of my historic three (well that is until recently). If I can do more, of course, I will, but at this time I can only commit to one post a week for now.

There will still be Wall-E Tails, Author updates, and My Weighty Story. They just won’t be a every week occurrence … for now. Maybe once my classes are done, I will be able to return to my original programing. I just can’t right now.

My love to everyone, and I will see you next week!

-Kim

When Life Gets in the Way

I had every intention of scheduling post on Sunday for this week. So what happened? My back blew and I spent the weekend on a heating pad and doped up on pain meds.

I started my new job on Monday and first I must say that I LOVE it! I am learning so much and the people there have been amazingly warm and inviting. It is a little scarey though because it is literally into the frying pan and into the fire with these folks. First day there and I was doing stuff that very likely will sit in front of an attorney someday soon. Not that what I was doing was something I hadn’t been doing in my other job, but … It is an insane feeling to have them trust me to do a lot of what I’m doing with very little double checking. In my old job, EVERYTHING was “wordsmithed” to death by the boss man before it went out. Here they are just here do this, and send it out. That’s the end of it. It’s a huge transition in a way of thinking and between that, learning the new systems, procedures and other things, I’m completely spent by the time I get home.

Oh… And the drive home … well I went from a one hour one way drive with agriculture and lots of traffic… to well this..

10 minutes from home, and this is the worst of the traffic ( there were a whooping 6 cars in front of me) and I get to drive down through Capitola Village and see this view EVERY day on my home. (Yes, I know I have a crack in my windshield. No, I was not driving and taking pictures. I was at a complete stop when this was taken.)

Writing… well… since I’ve been so tired by the time I get home, nothing has happened at all this week. Last week I did some editing, but that really is about it. I am re-reading the last third of a book over again that I am sure in my haste to finish the audiobook in time (I returned it with less than 12 hours left on my “rental”), I missed some elements. Luckily, I was able to pick up the Kindle version of the book for only $2.00. It’s a GREAT book, and I’ll discuss it more when I do my next “What have a read” update.

In regards to my GET HEALTHY PROJECT, I have lost a few pounds in the last few weeks and the girls in the office have a BIGGEST LOSER competition going through June, so the atmosphere in the office is very uplifting and should help to keep my motivation going. Plus, I’ve taken Wall-E on a walk every day when I get home, before I even sit down, because, if my toosh hits a surface when I get home, good luck getting me back up.

Wall-E however, is very confused by this new job. He doesn’t understand why Wall-E has to stay and why Mommy is gone for such a long time during the light time.

When I get home, he has been stuck to me like glue. It’s so sweet. I do miss being able to take him to work with me, but we will adjust and everything will be fine.

I have to run. To those of you I’m following, I will try to do some catch up this weekend on your posts.

Have a great week everyone and I’ll be back once I iron out a new life schedule. (I’m really missing writing.)

XOXO

Kim

Honestly.

Jack Sparrow

This one always makes me smile, because while it sounds like Jack Sparrow is babbling, what he is saying actually makes complete sense.

Even when I watched it the first time, I remember thinking how perfect that writing was.

( Oh how I love Crowley. (Yes, I love Supernatural.) He just wants someone to love him. )