I realize that is a strange title for a blog post. This post will likely be a huge jumbled mess, so I ask for your patience. I’m trying to explain why I am the way I am.
I have in the past called myself an introvert, but there are times I don’t think that title fits me. People say I talk too much. I tend to babble. In many ways, the title of introvert does fit. I like having a quiet house. I have a couple of “close” friends. A book in a quiet place is great, but most of all, it is exhausting to be social face to face. Yes, I’m making the face to face distinction for a reason.
Being social face to face is extremely exhausting for me. I’m trying to pay attention to everyone. I’m trying not to be too weird. I’m trying to fight all of the stimulation that is going on as I am easily over stimulated. Going to a restaurant, a concert, a crowded beach, the amusement park, the bar… all of those things can be lots of fun, but they also have lots of outside stimulation. I try to focus on who I am with, but mentally I’m being pulled in so many areas and that wears me out mentally really fast. I then have to fight being short and cranky to be present in the moment. I fight social anxiety every day of my life.
Now, just because it is hard for me, doesn’t mean I will always say no. I want to be invited to do the thing. This is very important to remember. I can’t stress this enough. I want to be invited to do the thing so I know that I’m important enough to be considered a friend, or someone worth having around. My company is valued. Just please keep in mind that having the energy to socialize is super difficult, so if I do go to do the thing, know that I’m trying.
Now, I did mention above that I made the distinction of face to face interaction. This is where I believe my weight has greatly affected my ability to be social. While online, I can open up and be weird, strange, and talkative. I know that part of it is that I don’t have to see the looks on peoples faces when they see me. I don’t have to see the judgement of my weight; I don’t have to see the cringes or judgement on their faces when I say something a bit awkward.
Should any of that matter? No. People whether in person or online, should accept people for who they are no matter what. That isn’t the way the world works, and the fact is that I have experienced so many snide comments about my weight for so long, it has made it so I don’t want to go out in public. Hiding behind the computer screen is much easier for me.
So that is my long winded, complicated way of saying… being social is super hard for me. Now that I’ve lost weight and feel better about myself as a whole, I want to be social, but it is just so hard to do so.