Why do I doubt myself so much?
Yes, I’m still writing. Yes, the river is still flowing. Yes, I’ve continued to research and double check facts to make sure that my story fits ( well somewhat ) within the mystery and hole of history.
I love to write. I feel at home at the computer and typing away. Letting worlds, towns, cultures, and characters come to life on the screen. It helps me feel accomplished, to feel creative, to feel … well … whole. So Yes, I know that writing is what I’m supposed to be doing.
Only, I’m finding myself doubting my abilities.
Will any of my stories ever be picked up by an Agent? Then if I do find an Agent to take a chance on me, will they be able to convenience a publisher?
Is my twisted sense of storytelling not what Agent’s like?
Is my writing to … rough for an Agent to ever pick me up? Is it too juvenile?
Maybe I’m just not talented enough!
Yes, that is a major thought running through my head.
I’ve given my books to a few “beta” readers and they have been thrilled with it. They’ve said that the story telling is wonderful and that I’ve done a really good job of making the characters believable. One even cried in a few parts, said that she really FELT the joy and sadness.
So why am I feeling the sting of doubt?
It would be easy to say it’s because of the rejection letters ( or lack thereof … you know the death by silence portion? ), but I consider that to be a cop out and I won’t say that.
Maybe it’s fear. The fear of rejection and that… that my friends, is one reason I can’t rationalize away and trust me when I say I’m one of the world’s best rationalizers ( is that a word? If not, it is now ).
Maybe it’s uncertainty.
Maybe it’s … the unknown.
I’m very passionate about my writings.
My Novella based in Herculaneum is coming together much better than I would have thought it would have at the start.
I love the story of “The Five Angels” that runs through my head. Megan and CJ’s adventures are testing them to the brink and just when I think that Megan should break, or she’s on the verge of breaking, I find her screaming that she can’t break and I can only think that maybe she is the part of me that refuses to give up on my writings. While she fights the darkness that is consuming her world, I too am fighting my own doubt.
WOO… Did I just say that out loud? Talk about having a realization when writing a blog post. Funny how that works.
So I will trudge on, finding my way through this literary world and try to stifle my doubts.
Goal to Novella 1st draft completion: End of this weekend. June 1st.
Goal to Novella 1st revisions / additions: My birthday.